irrational fears

I just got back from a mini vacation in Florida. I have an irrational fear of Crocodiles and Alligators. I ate "gator bites" while I down there. (Little fried bits of alligator tail.) It wasn't so bad.

Last night I dreamt I had to swim across a lake filled with alligators. It was terrifying. 

Clearly, eating the alligator didn't mean conquering my fear. 

what's simple is true

Hey there. I know, it has been a while since I've visited. I was wrapped up with finals and the end of the semester, but I officially finished my first year of graduate school! It feels so soo good. Last August I was hoping I made the right choice, to quit my job, move, and go to school full time. In the moment everything felt so contingent. The earth felt like it was shifting under my feet and I was jumping off a cliff. All of those cliche metaphors for change in your life. But you know what, sometimes we know better than we think we do. Ideas that seem like they *might* be a good idea are actually amazing ones. And if you are lucky, which I often think I am blessed to be, everything worked out for more than the best. 

I went to a graduation party for some friends who will be moving away from North Carolina. In one moment I stopped and looked around and felt so happy. I had amazing friends I had just met 8 months before who felt like family, there was good, simple food, champagne and a bonfire roaring. It was festive and people were happy. I rode my bike to the party which I just had fixed and I think will change my life. Graduate school is hard. There is no two ways about that, but life in North Carolina? It just seems more simple. A self-proclaimed city girl, I can now say that often, simple can be just as good as flashy restaurants and new high heels and taxis. 
 

girl worth having

“Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having she’d have waited for you’? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.”

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

flashback

Suddenly, I remembered sitting in a cafe near the bus station in San Sebastian, waiting to head back to my friend's apartment in Bilbao. It had been a wonderful day of eating tapas, exploring the city, and wandering along the coast. 






And I'm back in the coffee shop. 

here but anonymous

I'm having one of those days. Maybe it's because I slept 11 hours. Maybe it's because I've been alone most of the day. Maybe it's because I am coming off of a birthday/wedding/weekend away. I am questioning. Ever have those days when there is a voice in your head that is screaming WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?! 


Yeah, that voice is screaming about one area in particular. An area that people say you should just "know" about. I am all for intuition, but when is it ok to out-rationalize the intuition? Is the intuition just the part of you that is scared to know or accept the truth? Or is it that zinging under your skin that says, Wait, my darling, the best is yet to come. 


I am at a coffee shop. I needed to get out of my apartment, even at 8:30pm on a Tuesday. I just wanted to be around other people, but without the need to engage. I needed to feel like, maybe I am not alone, even if I am not asking others if they ever wonder the same things. I needed subliminal peer pressure to do work. I needed to reign in my mind that is content with wandering all over the universe today. 


Thank God for that other little voice, the one that strokes my hair as I fall asleep at night and reminds me, Don't worry, everything will be all right. 

I'm restless. My birthday is right around the corner, finals and the end of the semester is crushing me, my summer plans are still up in the air. I want answers to things, ends to some things and beginnings to others. People always says life is best lived forward, not backward. Sometimes I can't help looking backwards. For some reason today I thought about how 4 years ago I was living in Southern Spain. I had plans to go to Italy for my birthday, and traveled 2 hours to the nearest airport to board my flight, just to realize that I left my passport at home. After a few hours of feeling totally deflated, I went home with my then-boyfriend, booked new flights, and went back to the airport the next morning to fly to Rome, a city 4 hours from our destination. On my 23rd birthday I woke up in a hostel in the ancient city and spent most of the day on a train out to Cinque Terre. There is a video of me from that day on the train. I'm wearing headphones, my hair is in a messy ponytail, and I am dancing around in my seat. I look healthy and happy. Despite all the challenges of the trip, I felt like everything was right in the world. 

That video reminds me of a clip from a movie preview. Sometimes I just wish that I could flip through the pages of my life and get a tiny glimpse of what the rest is going to look like. Just maybe a little bit? But I suppose if I knew at 17 that at 23 I'd be riding a train through the Italian countryside I'd never believe it. When I was 23 if I was told I'd move to North Carolina to study public health, I'd never believe that. Maybe we don't know because the surprise is part of the journey. 

the way we are

Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self-portrait. Everything is a diary.

Chuck Palahniuk