Tuesday, April 24, 2012


Suddenly, I remembered sitting in a cafe near the bus station in San Sebastian, waiting to head back to my friend's apartment in Bilbao. It had been a wonderful day of eating tapas, exploring the city, and wandering along the coast. 

And I'm back in the coffee shop. 

here but anonymous

I'm having one of those days. Maybe it's because I slept 11 hours. Maybe it's because I've been alone most of the day. Maybe it's because I am coming off of a birthday/wedding/weekend away. I am questioning. Ever have those days when there is a voice in your head that is screaming WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?! 

Yeah, that voice is screaming about one area in particular. An area that people say you should just "know" about. I am all for intuition, but when is it ok to out-rationalize the intuition? Is the intuition just the part of you that is scared to know or accept the truth? Or is it that zinging under your skin that says, Wait, my darling, the best is yet to come. 

I am at a coffee shop. I needed to get out of my apartment, even at 8:30pm on a Tuesday. I just wanted to be around other people, but without the need to engage. I needed to feel like, maybe I am not alone, even if I am not asking others if they ever wonder the same things. I needed subliminal peer pressure to do work. I needed to reign in my mind that is content with wandering all over the universe today. 

Thank God for that other little voice, the one that strokes my hair as I fall asleep at night and reminds me, Don't worry, everything will be all right. 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I'm restless. My birthday is right around the corner, finals and the end of the semester is crushing me, my summer plans are still up in the air. I want answers to things, ends to some things and beginnings to others. People always says life is best lived forward, not backward. Sometimes I can't help looking backwards. For some reason today I thought about how 4 years ago I was living in Southern Spain. I had plans to go to Italy for my birthday, and traveled 2 hours to the nearest airport to board my flight, just to realize that I left my passport at home. After a few hours of feeling totally deflated, I went home with my then-boyfriend, booked new flights, and went back to the airport the next morning to fly to Rome, a city 4 hours from our destination. On my 23rd birthday I woke up in a hostel in the ancient city and spent most of the day on a train out to Cinque Terre. There is a video of me from that day on the train. I'm wearing headphones, my hair is in a messy ponytail, and I am dancing around in my seat. I look healthy and happy. Despite all the challenges of the trip, I felt like everything was right in the world. 

That video reminds me of a clip from a movie preview. Sometimes I just wish that I could flip through the pages of my life and get a tiny glimpse of what the rest is going to look like. Just maybe a little bit? But I suppose if I knew at 17 that at 23 I'd be riding a train through the Italian countryside I'd never believe it. When I was 23 if I was told I'd move to North Carolina to study public health, I'd never believe that. Maybe we don't know because the surprise is part of the journey. 

Monday, April 16, 2012

the way we are

Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self-portrait. Everything is a diary.

Chuck Palahniuk

Sunday, April 8, 2012

all the girls i've been

I just found Nikki Talley and I adore her music. She has a song called Just for the Record. Loves it. 

Still this morning over coffee I grin, thinking over the years of all the girls I've been...

The school girl, the stranger, the sailer, the sad girl, the nun, the straight girl, the dreamer, the lover, the star, the sun, the girl who's funny, the wild-mouthing honey, the girl who drinks all of your wine, the self-centered bird, the self-conscious girl, the valentine.

So so true

Friday, April 6, 2012

sandwiches and spirituality

I was to believe that Jesus cares more that I don't waste food than eat meat on Good Friday.

At the beginning of the week I had a pound of ground beef, so I made it into some meatballs and hamburgers. It made 3 servings of meatballs and 1 hamburger. Well, I've had the meatballs twice, and then had free dinner at school last night. Considering that the burger has been in there since Monday night, I figured I needed to eat it today. I'll make no pretense, it was delicious. I didn't have Non-italian bread crumbs when I made it so I crushed up some pretzel chips and used that instead and also added dijon and garlic. It came out surprisingly well!- Today I slapped that baby between a whole wheat bagel thin with provolone, mustard and some greens. Happy lunch in my belly.

I'm going to a seder tonight and helping to do the cooking this afternoon. The Jews might not agree with my cheeseburger, the Catholics won't agree with my brisket tonight.

Maybe I need to be Agnostic. Or a Unitarian. Some religion with less rules regarding deliciousness.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

old dog, new tricks

There are 15 days until my birthday. Then I will be 27. It sounds old. It doesn't feel old though.

Today I laid by the pool reading for school, went for a run in the torrential downpour, and for the first time ever, drank a beer in the shower because the idea sounded refreshing. 

These don't sound like things that old people do.