reality check

New love can get cocky. You feel like you are on top of the world, everything is perfect, nothing could possibly go wrong. This feeling is enhanced when you are an adult and you have complete control over your free time and how and with whom you spend it. It's so easy to slip into an everyday normalcy and feel smug about how simple it was-- isn't that how it is supposed to be? You almost think to yourself, wow, if I could just have 10 minutes alone I'd be 100% back into this love bubble I've stumbled (or run head first) into. But of course you don't really mean it. 2 minutes in the bathroom is enough recharge time.

And then, the holidays hit. I am one who loves the holidays, but considering that I live 5 hours away from my family, going to visit them is a commitment. One that I've made for about 2 weeks straight. 72 hours after being away from the cozy little cocoon we created together I might as well be a recovering addict. I feel twitchy, off, and a tiny bit heartsick.

Nothing like distance in love to remind me of my own humanity and the fact that I am not invincible.

copperline

James Taylor just has a way of soothing the soul. Ever since I've moved to NC I've developed an even deeper fondness for Carolina In My Mind. Another lovely song about the tar heel state is Copperline. Enjoy!

begin again

I've been really into the idea of rebirth lately. I feel like my life has just undergone another unexpected turn (when will I stop thinking I can predict and plan for everything?) But this is a really good unexpected turn. The kind you hope for as a little girl. The kind I had rationalized myself out of believing could happen. And now that it is happening, it is that much more surprisingly wonderful. Check out Taylor Swift's new song, Begin Again. Couldn't have said it any better.

hmm

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? -- Celeste and Jesse Forever 

strong

And in the darkest of winters, remember that you will find your invincible summer. 

confusion

Have you ever wanted 2 very different things at the same time? What is it about decisions sometimes that is so hard? Is it that we are at a constant push and pull of what we think we want and what we need? Or balancing the promise of security with the thrill of adventure? How can we ever know what is best without looking into a crystal ball?

People often say to follow your heart. I'm a head thinker, but often it makes it difficult when it comes to matters of the heart. I want lists and pros and cons. I want to consider every possible option and angle. I want to imagine exactly what I might be giving up or gaining when it comes to decisions in my life. Right now I feel like I am standing at the top of the waterfall. The option of jumping makes me tingle all over but who knows what is at the bottom? Is it warm and welcoming and like paradise, or could I end up breaking a leg or scraping a knee to add to my collection of scars? I could also just safely back off the edge, hike back down the mountain and climb into my tent and sleeping bag and probably be no worse or better off. But will I have lived?

I'm glad that I'm an expert orderer when it comes to eating out. I see a menu, know exactly what will satisfy me at that moment and I get it. Thank goodness I don't suffer from indecision in everything in my life-- it would be paralyzing.

Chapel Thrill

I've said it once and I'll say it again. Going to grad school was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Chapel Hill is an amazing and magical place. I can't believe how many wonderful people I continue to meet and bring into my friend circle here, which makes each day sweeter and sweeter.

Tonight I am going to Late Night with Roy to kick off basketball season here in Carolina. It's supposed to be a fun event with the basketball team doing skits and coach Roy Williams pumping up the fans for the season ahead. GO HEELS!

Tonight I put my pj pants on and a big navy blue sweatshirt. I ate dinner, and then went into the kitchen. I filled the red kettle and set it onto the stove. Turned the dial to medium high and walked away. A few minutes later the sound of the whistle started, quiet at first and then louder, signaling that it was time. I pulled the dark blue teapot off the shelf, opened the bag of decaf vanilla loose tea from a little shop here in Chapel Hill, and dropped a spoonful of it into the metal mesh basket inside. The steaming water came next, causing the tea to release its color and flavor. I took out a favorite mug from college, added some sugar and milk to the bottom of it, and when it was time, removed the basket of wet tea leaves. The hot tea poured out into the mug, swirling up the milk and melting the sugar. Yum.

Some may say this is a lot of work, but I like the ritual. I like the simultaneous lack of thinking that goes on as I hum through the steps, as well as the ability to let my mind wander. I also love the result. It's part of self love, after all.

Going southern hemisphere south

Surprise! I am off to Southern Africa for the summer! Look for some posts about my experience there and then it will be back to the good 'ol USA in the fall.

irrational fears

I just got back from a mini vacation in Florida. I have an irrational fear of Crocodiles and Alligators. I ate "gator bites" while I down there. (Little fried bits of alligator tail.) It wasn't so bad.

Last night I dreamt I had to swim across a lake filled with alligators. It was terrifying. 

Clearly, eating the alligator didn't mean conquering my fear. 

what's simple is true

Hey there. I know, it has been a while since I've visited. I was wrapped up with finals and the end of the semester, but I officially finished my first year of graduate school! It feels so soo good. Last August I was hoping I made the right choice, to quit my job, move, and go to school full time. In the moment everything felt so contingent. The earth felt like it was shifting under my feet and I was jumping off a cliff. All of those cliche metaphors for change in your life. But you know what, sometimes we know better than we think we do. Ideas that seem like they *might* be a good idea are actually amazing ones. And if you are lucky, which I often think I am blessed to be, everything worked out for more than the best. 

I went to a graduation party for some friends who will be moving away from North Carolina. In one moment I stopped and looked around and felt so happy. I had amazing friends I had just met 8 months before who felt like family, there was good, simple food, champagne and a bonfire roaring. It was festive and people were happy. I rode my bike to the party which I just had fixed and I think will change my life. Graduate school is hard. There is no two ways about that, but life in North Carolina? It just seems more simple. A self-proclaimed city girl, I can now say that often, simple can be just as good as flashy restaurants and new high heels and taxis. 
 

girl worth having

“Why don’t you tell me that ‘if the girl had been worth having she’d have waited for you’? No, sir, the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody.”

~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

flashback

Suddenly, I remembered sitting in a cafe near the bus station in San Sebastian, waiting to head back to my friend's apartment in Bilbao. It had been a wonderful day of eating tapas, exploring the city, and wandering along the coast. 






And I'm back in the coffee shop. 

here but anonymous

I'm having one of those days. Maybe it's because I slept 11 hours. Maybe it's because I've been alone most of the day. Maybe it's because I am coming off of a birthday/wedding/weekend away. I am questioning. Ever have those days when there is a voice in your head that is screaming WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?! 


Yeah, that voice is screaming about one area in particular. An area that people say you should just "know" about. I am all for intuition, but when is it ok to out-rationalize the intuition? Is the intuition just the part of you that is scared to know or accept the truth? Or is it that zinging under your skin that says, Wait, my darling, the best is yet to come. 


I am at a coffee shop. I needed to get out of my apartment, even at 8:30pm on a Tuesday. I just wanted to be around other people, but without the need to engage. I needed to feel like, maybe I am not alone, even if I am not asking others if they ever wonder the same things. I needed subliminal peer pressure to do work. I needed to reign in my mind that is content with wandering all over the universe today. 


Thank God for that other little voice, the one that strokes my hair as I fall asleep at night and reminds me, Don't worry, everything will be all right. 

I'm restless. My birthday is right around the corner, finals and the end of the semester is crushing me, my summer plans are still up in the air. I want answers to things, ends to some things and beginnings to others. People always says life is best lived forward, not backward. Sometimes I can't help looking backwards. For some reason today I thought about how 4 years ago I was living in Southern Spain. I had plans to go to Italy for my birthday, and traveled 2 hours to the nearest airport to board my flight, just to realize that I left my passport at home. After a few hours of feeling totally deflated, I went home with my then-boyfriend, booked new flights, and went back to the airport the next morning to fly to Rome, a city 4 hours from our destination. On my 23rd birthday I woke up in a hostel in the ancient city and spent most of the day on a train out to Cinque Terre. There is a video of me from that day on the train. I'm wearing headphones, my hair is in a messy ponytail, and I am dancing around in my seat. I look healthy and happy. Despite all the challenges of the trip, I felt like everything was right in the world. 

That video reminds me of a clip from a movie preview. Sometimes I just wish that I could flip through the pages of my life and get a tiny glimpse of what the rest is going to look like. Just maybe a little bit? But I suppose if I knew at 17 that at 23 I'd be riding a train through the Italian countryside I'd never believe it. When I was 23 if I was told I'd move to North Carolina to study public health, I'd never believe that. Maybe we don't know because the surprise is part of the journey. 

the way we are

Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self-portrait. Everything is a diary.

Chuck Palahniuk

all the girls i've been

I just found Nikki Talley and I adore her music. She has a song called Just for the Record. Loves it. 


Still this morning over coffee I grin, thinking over the years of all the girls I've been...






The school girl, the stranger, the sailer, the sad girl, the nun, the straight girl, the dreamer, the lover, the star, the sun, the girl who's funny, the wild-mouthing honey, the girl who drinks all of your wine, the self-centered bird, the self-conscious girl, the valentine.

So so true. 

my saturday morning

sandwiches and spirituality

I was to believe that Jesus cares more that I don't waste food than eat meat on Good Friday.

At the beginning of the week I had a pound of ground beef, so I made it into some meatballs and hamburgers. It made 3 servings of meatballs and 1 hamburger. Well, I've had the meatballs twice, and then had free dinner at school last night. Considering that the burger has been in there since Monday night, I figured I needed to eat it today. I'll make no pretense, it was delicious. I didn't have Non-italian bread crumbs when I made it so I crushed up some pretzel chips and used that instead and also added dijon and garlic. It came out surprisingly well!- Today I slapped that baby between a whole wheat bagel thin with provolone, mustard and some greens. Happy lunch in my belly.

I'm going to a seder tonight and helping to do the cooking this afternoon. The Jews might not agree with my cheeseburger, the Catholics won't agree with my brisket tonight.

Maybe I need to be Agnostic. Or a Unitarian. Some religion with less rules regarding deliciousness.

old dog, new tricks

There are 15 days until my birthday. Then I will be 27. It sounds old. It doesn't feel old though.

Today I laid by the pool reading for school, went for a run in the torrential downpour, and for the first time ever, drank a beer in the shower because the idea sounded refreshing. 

These don't sound like things that old people do.