hmm

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? -- Celeste and Jesse Forever 

flashback

Suddenly, I remembered sitting in a cafe near the bus station in San Sebastian, waiting to head back to my friend's apartment in Bilbao. It had been a wonderful day of eating tapas, exploring the city, and wandering along the coast. 






And I'm back in the coffee shop. 

here but anonymous

I'm having one of those days. Maybe it's because I slept 11 hours. Maybe it's because I've been alone most of the day. Maybe it's because I am coming off of a birthday/wedding/weekend away. I am questioning. Ever have those days when there is a voice in your head that is screaming WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?! 


Yeah, that voice is screaming about one area in particular. An area that people say you should just "know" about. I am all for intuition, but when is it ok to out-rationalize the intuition? Is the intuition just the part of you that is scared to know or accept the truth? Or is it that zinging under your skin that says, Wait, my darling, the best is yet to come. 


I am at a coffee shop. I needed to get out of my apartment, even at 8:30pm on a Tuesday. I just wanted to be around other people, but without the need to engage. I needed to feel like, maybe I am not alone, even if I am not asking others if they ever wonder the same things. I needed subliminal peer pressure to do work. I needed to reign in my mind that is content with wandering all over the universe today. 


Thank God for that other little voice, the one that strokes my hair as I fall asleep at night and reminds me, Don't worry, everything will be all right. 

I'm restless. My birthday is right around the corner, finals and the end of the semester is crushing me, my summer plans are still up in the air. I want answers to things, ends to some things and beginnings to others. People always says life is best lived forward, not backward. Sometimes I can't help looking backwards. For some reason today I thought about how 4 years ago I was living in Southern Spain. I had plans to go to Italy for my birthday, and traveled 2 hours to the nearest airport to board my flight, just to realize that I left my passport at home. After a few hours of feeling totally deflated, I went home with my then-boyfriend, booked new flights, and went back to the airport the next morning to fly to Rome, a city 4 hours from our destination. On my 23rd birthday I woke up in a hostel in the ancient city and spent most of the day on a train out to Cinque Terre. There is a video of me from that day on the train. I'm wearing headphones, my hair is in a messy ponytail, and I am dancing around in my seat. I look healthy and happy. Despite all the challenges of the trip, I felt like everything was right in the world. 

That video reminds me of a clip from a movie preview. Sometimes I just wish that I could flip through the pages of my life and get a tiny glimpse of what the rest is going to look like. Just maybe a little bit? But I suppose if I knew at 17 that at 23 I'd be riding a train through the Italian countryside I'd never believe it. When I was 23 if I was told I'd move to North Carolina to study public health, I'd never believe that. Maybe we don't know because the surprise is part of the journey. 

a nice thought

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. 

-John Green

musings on living alone

I like it. For now. But after having a visitor for three nights-- someone to wake up to and fall asleep with-- I'm reminded how nice that is. Especially if that person makes you laugh and washes your breakfast dishes for you. Having the bed made by someone else is also a bonus. Some things are better when they are shared. 


For now I'll drink tea and do my homework in my pajamas late into the night. I'll run to the bus in the morning with my backpack on and wet hair blowing behind me. I'm cool with that. 


I'm also happy knowing each day I can love where I am because I am one day closer to another life. One where maybe I am putting littles to bed in feetie pjs and helping them with their coloring. I'll pack them lunches of peanut butter and jelly and help them put their tiny backpacks on as they scurry to the bus. My husband can wash the dinner dishes. I think that part will be fun too. Eventually. 


pic

these are the ways you love yourself (to forgive)- re-post

I read this today, on The Wild and Wily Ways of a Bombshell Brunette. I hope she doesn't mind, but I have to re-post this, because it's amazing and true. I think there is something in there that speaks to each of us. 

Forgive yourself the nights you climb into bed full-face of makeup, too tired to take it off. forgive yourself the days when one latte is not enough, when the two major food groups are coffee and sugar. forgive yourself that one night when at two am you woke to use the bathroom and inhaled an entire chocolate bar instead. forgive the time spent with a man you now have not one nice thing to say about. and forgive just how long it took to get over him. he was not good and not kind and he is not your fault. keep some secrets closer. forgive yourself for actually loving the gentle curve of your hips. and to hell with a society which suggests you might not or should not. they herald your womanhood, the man you marry will lose himself in them, they will hoist groceries and children. they are sturdy--anchoring you firmly to this earth. forgive the nights you cannot sleep--sadness or some unnamed force pressing heavy on your chest. forgive the mistakes of the last several years. so you made them. okay. enough. move on. the mistakes and the fault-lines, they are the foundation. forgive yourself that you did not choose an easier path. and forgive yourself the sadness you caused those around you. the broken-promises and cutting words and the things left unsaid. fear was large and biting. forgive the anger you feel. feel it and then look again with kinder eyes. forgive yourself for not handling it all better, for feeling like you let others down. the path is not done, the road is not finished, why are you trying so hard to rush the whole thing? celebrate the fact that your story has some major departures. go ahead and use that expensive serum that promises to diminish those fine lines. protect and preserve your skin. but when the day does come when forehead creases no longer fade into the background, give thanks. humanity made visible! you will be loved all the more for this. you will love yourself all the more for this.  and please, for the love of all that is good and holy forgive yourself for loving a man who cannot love you back. love him anyway. send that love into the world and let it fill you up. the only way to know the story is to go out and and write it. live your way into it. ferociously. begin to live and work and fight and love with an unparalleled ferocity. let fear dictate nothing. unfurl your chest, you have all the armor you'll ever need. see with wide eyes and don't forget to laugh.

delinquent

I recognize that I have been delinquent on this blog. I'd like to say I have a good reason. All I can think of is a line from 500 Days of Summer:

"What happened?"
"What always happens. Life." 

School has been busy, I'm searching for the perfect summer internship overseas, spending amazing weekends with my friends at school and working on sorting out my love life. In a word, "life." 

I will hopefully put something thoughtful up soon. Hope you are all enjoying your own "life."

And I found this lovely new food blog today, Eat This Poem. Check it out. It looks delicious.

that which sustains us

Maybe you have figured this out by now: I love food. Not just eating it, but cooking it as well. I just had one of those days where nothing really went quite wrong but I was feeling overwhelmed BY THE WEIGH OF THE WORLD (Throws head back and sighs for dramatic measure.) So I went for a walk and let my mind wander. Well, it didn't take too long to start thinking about the meals I cooked this week: vegetarian fajitas, curried lentil soup, roasted chicken with potatoes, breakfast burrito. Not too bad of a week in the kitchen. Tonight I am thinking I might make shrimp tacos. I've never been much of a baker, even though I try sometimes, but cooking-- Chopping, sauteeing, braising, roasting, caramelizing, all of those real cooking savory food words-- I LOVE. I always think about Julie and Julia when I've had a rough day. Julie Powell makes a comment to her husband:

"Chocolate cream pie! You know what I love about cooking? I love that after a day when nothing is sure and when I say nothing, I mean nothing. You can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate and sugar and milk, it will get thick. That's such a comfort."


Julie, I hear ya. Maybe it's roasting and blending up a butternut squash soup for me, but I find such comfort in the hum of the kitchen, and the quiet success of a delicious meal.

just when i thought i had it figured out

When it rains it pours/hurricanes/tornados/earthquakes. 


I leave for the Dominican Republic on Saturday morning for a week. I need winter break detox. As a technology addict, it might be good for me to have a few days without being in touch with people. Clear. My. Mind. 

2011 wrap up

2011 was a hell of a year. I suppose things are supposed to change frequently in your 20s, but I think this year certainly saw a bit more change than usual. 


Here are some of the highlights:


DC
Started 2011 with weekend at a bed and breakfast with past boyfriend
Interviewed at UNC- Chapel Hill for graduate school
Was accepted to 6/7 schools I applied to
Threw a big brunch for some girl friends 
Vacationed for a week in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico
Hot tubbed on the roof of a friend's apt overlooking the Capitol
Newseum
Two trips to NYC
Decided to attend UNC- Chapel Hill for my MPH. Go Heels! 
Turned 26 
Watched the Royal Wedding 
Dad was in the hospital
Sailed on the Potomac River 
Volunteered at the Arlington Free Clinic
Family vacation to the Jersey Shore 
Heart broken for the first time 
Left my job of 3 years 
Moved away from DC 


NC
Moved into my own apartment in North Carolina
Started graduate school 
Threw my sister's bridal shower and bachelorette party
Sister got married 
Went to first UNC football and basketball games 
Threw my first tailgate
Started volunteering at a clinic in North Carolina
Went to Virginia Tech for a football game with some friends 
Made awesome new friends
Decided to go to the Dominican Republic as a medical interpreter 
Saw 2 plays 
Some dating
Went on a Santa themed pub crawl 
Finished my first semester, had Christmas at home and caught up with friends 


Some things are bigger than others on that list, but overall those were the major events that came to mind. With the way that last year turned out, I don't think I can possibly guess what next year is going to look like, but I have hope. And faith. Hope for the future, for possibility and chances. Faith in myself, in my friends, and the idea that everything will somehow be all right. Actually, even better than all right-- AMAZING.


Happy New Year!!! 

lucky

I talk about friends a lot. By the ripe age of 26, I feel lucky to have met so many amazing people that I am lucky enough to call friends. I've found some of them in the usual places like school, and others I have found on stage, through failed romances, or during summer camp. Tonight I had the pleasure of dinner with some former colleagues. To just call them colleagues would be the understatement of the year. I have gone to visit work friends twice since I have been back in the DC area for my break. Each time I have left feeling really warm inside. Like my heart is smiling. I miss these people. It's also much more enjoyable to spend time when them when the focus isn't deadlines and meetings, but sharing our lives and how they have transformed, and yet felt comfort in the fact that even as things change, sometimes in the most important ways, we do not. 

In the absence of a big love in my life right now, this friend love has been the thing that makes my heart swell. I saw girls this week that I have known for thirteen years. People move and get jobs and married, but a few days a year we forgot the things that push us physically apart and allow the laughter and past to hold us together. It's nice. It's also good to remember that not all love is romantic, and from what I have seen, the non-romantic love has had some serious staying power. 

Big kisses to the universe for sending wonderful people my way. 

PS- Check out this little gem. Oh you know, just Zooey and Joseph hanging out, playing music. (If anyone knows them, tell them to invite me next time. I am accepting new friends!)

independent woman

I am choosing to believe that the fact that on Christmas morning I opened up a power drill from my father, who said, "Your sister got a husband this year, you get a drill!" means that he recognizes that maybe I am on a different track in life and am learning to handle things on my own (from hanging pictures to paying for school) instead of a small hint that a husband in a box will only substitute for the real thing for so long. 


Yes, I will go with the first. 


(I already knew the second.)

to be humans or gods

Today I was talking with a gentleman. Somehow the topic landed on politicians and infidelity and what the reasons are behind so many scandals of men in power. This lead to a discussion of marriage. I tend to be a bit of a marriage cynic. I have no reason to be. My parents have a wonderful relationship, my friends that have gotten married have chosen great partners. I just look at the bigger picture and see everything from the Kardashian divorce to Anthony Weiner creeping on women when his wife is pregnant and it just scares me. The risk of failure is great and the stakes are so high. Eeek. 

But as we were talking he noted that people look at divorce and infidelity scandals and think we should just drop the bar. Just let these famous people get on with their professional lives and ignore the personal. And then he said something that stopped me in my tracks: Just because humans continue to fall short of the ideal, it doesn't mean we should abandon the ideal. We are human afterall, but shouldn't we have something to aim for? 

Wow. That's been rolling around my head today. And for the first time in a while, it made me feel like maybe my hope of marriage and partnership wasn't lost. I like goals. I like having something to shoot for.