Monday, December 12, 2011

jigsaw puzzle

I used to write about relationships. That came easy to me. I was recently talking to someone who said to me, "One of the things that impresses me is how thoughtful you are. Not in the way where you are running around baking cookies for people all the time, but you look at situations from every angle. You weigh pros and cons. You may not always be perfect, but even in times when you mess up, you seriously consider what you could do to be better next time." 

I was pretty profoundly touched when I heard that. I often feel like all these thoughts I have running around in my head are just there to drive me crazy. But I want to believe that they are like the pieces of a puzzle scattered on a table and I am constantly working to put it together to make a picture that makes sense. 

I know how to be a girlfriend. I can meet parents, cook nice meals, be reliable, and plan romantic events with the best of them. I know how to be single. My life revolves around friends and family. I push myself to go hiking, or running, or throw dinner parties and drink cocktails. I am good at that too. It's the middle ground I am not so good at. Dating makes me feel like the scattered pieces of the puzzle. What are the rules to the game? Do they change as you get older? How do you maintain that cool and confident air about yourself when you just crave someone holding you at night as you fall asleep? Are those things really at odds? Isn't it a human need to be touched and appreciated? 

When I feel unsettled about something my thinking is on overdrive. Against my original plans for this blog, I may start writing more about that thought process. Whether or not I am seriously dating someone, I have always considered the relationships in my life, be it friends, family, or classmates, (and occasionally romantic interest) to be tops. They are the things that occupy the real estate in my brain. Maybe it's just best to accept that. Because who are we without the ones we love? 

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